Expect something absolutely nuts to happen in the next five and a half weeks.
The World Cup just does something to people, be it the pressure, the glaring spotlight or having the weight of a nation on their shoulders, footballers regularly abandon all reason in manic pursuit of that solid gold trophy.
Headbutts, spitting, diving, biting, crying, cheating, thieving and missing the tournament because you didn’t turn up on time… it’s all happened at some point in the past 96 years. This is the World Cup’s maddest moments. In order of derangement.
20) Beckham’s costly flick
David Beckham’s red card in 1998 made him public enemy No 1 in England (Mark Leech/Getty Images)
A regulation red card at the time but one that caused a country to collectively lose its mind.
Beckham’s flicked kick at Argentina’s Diego Simeone in 1998 contributed to an agonising England defeat on penalties. It led to the Manchester United player becoming a hate figure for months as he was blamed by the media and an unforgiving football public. An effigy of him was even hung at West Ham United.
19) The bonkers first tournament
Take your pick from a multitude of mad events at the inaugural World Cup in 1930, such as Egypt not participating in the tournament because they literally missed the boat, or the United States physio reportedly being knocked out on the pitch by his own chloroform bottle, or the story of a Romanian player’s mother believing he was dead as he did not return home with the team, only for him to turn up alive and well on the day of his funeral.
18) The World Cup is stolen
No, we’re not talking about West Germany beating the Mighty Magyars of Hungary in 1954, but a time when the actual World Cup trophy was nicked.
It happened three months before the 1966 tournament in England, having been on public display at a hall in Westminster, London.
Thankfully, the trophy (then the Jules Rimet trophy) was discovered wrapped in newspaper under a hedge in Upper Norwood, south London by a black-and-white collie named Pickles.
When England won the trophy for keeps that July, Pickles was invited to the team’s official celebration. He would probably have been happy with a biscuit, to be fair.
17) Zaire kicking the ball away
A mad moment with sinister undertones. Things were not going well for Zaire (now DR Congo), the first sub-Saharan African team to play in a World Cup, in 1974.
Having lost 2-0 to Scotland and 9-0 to Yugoslavia, they were threatened, according to defender Mwepu Ilunga, by the country’s dictator, President Mobutu, that if they lost 4-0 to Brazil in their final group game they would not be allowed to return home.
When 2-0 down, Ilunga ran out of the defensive wall as Brazil lined up a free kick and harumphed it upfield. It looked crazy, but was driven by fear. They lost 3-0.
16) Diana Ross’ missed penalty
Diana Ross’ appearance at the 1994 opening ceremony was a memorable one (Peter Robinson/Empics via Getty Images)
In an understated, nuanced opening ceremony for the 1994 World Cup in the United States, Diana Ross, having been introduced by Oprah Winfrey, emerged between a field of dancers holding white cards above their heads and took aim for a penalty kick.
The former Supremes singer dragged a horrible effort wide of the post as the goal was pulled apart, although bizarrely the goalkeeper would probably have saved it anyway, as he really went for it with his dive.
At least Roberto Baggio, ever the chivalrous gentleman, saved Ross’ blushes by taking the worst penalty of the 1994 World Cup in the final a few weeks later.
15) Gascoigne’s tears
Unwanted bodily functions played a key part in England’s 1990 World Cup campaign. Defender Terry Butcher lost what appeared to be about two pints of blood after sustaining a head wound during a qualification match against Sweden, ending the match resembling a deranged axe murderer, while Gary Lineker, well, went to the toilet during their group-stage match against the Republic of Ireland.
Topping them both would be star player Paul Gascoigne blubbing on the pitch after receiving a yellow card during a semi-final against West Germany that ruled him out of a potential final.
England did not make it anyway (not helped by Gazza being too distressed to take a penalty in the shootout) but a national hero was born.
14) Suarez’s goal-line handball
A mad moment given the incredible drama and controversy it created, but also a moment of serene clarity from Luiz Suarez, who sacrificed himself to save his team, stopping a certain Ghana goal on the line with his hand in the last minute of extra time in their quarter-final. Without his intervention, Uruguay would have lost, but instead they won the resulting penalty shootout.
“I don’t apologise for it,” Suarez cackled (probably) when the countries met again at the 2022 World Cup. “The Ghana player (Asamoah Gyan) missed the penalty, not me.”
All that was missing was a Dr Evil finger, a manic evil cartoon laugh and a hairless cat to stroke.
13) Lampard’s non-goal
England were 2-1 down to Germany in the last 16 of the 2010 World Cup, Lampard lobbed goalkeeper Manuel Neuer, the ball bounced off the underside of the bar and landed well behind the goal line. However, the referee/assistant didn’t see a thing. No goal.
England lost 4-1, FIFA president Sepp Blatter apologised and, two years later, goal-line technology was brought into the sport.
“It changed the game for the better,” Lampard later said. Just not that game.
12) Battle of Nuremberg
When a football match is so violent it has its own Wikipedia page, you know it was lively.
Russian ref Valentin Ivanov dished out four red cards and 16 yellows during Portugal’s 1-0 last-16 victory over the Netherlands in 2006.
It started in the second minute with Mark van Bommel’s booking and, along the way, featured Cristiano Ronaldo limping off the field in tears after a bad foul, a headbutt from Luis Figo, a touchline melee, a brawl when the Netherlands did not give Portugal the ball back, lots of pushing, lots of kicking and a World Cup record that is unlikely to be beaten.
11) France players go on strike
France manager Raymond Domenech failed to steer his team out of the group stage at the 2010 World Cup amid a squad mutiny.
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He expelled Nicolas Anelka from the group after the Chelsea striker reportedly told him where to go (the exact words used are disputed and Anelka once launched legal action over the content, so we’ll leave it at that) — during a half-time argument.
The players revolted, boycotting training over Anelka’s treatment. It didn’t work — he was banned for 18 games instead — while the team were revolting on the pitch, too, a 2-1 defeat by South Africa sealing their fate.
10) Ronaldo left off the World Cup final team sheet
The biggest team-sheet drama of all time. Brazil’s Ronaldo was the best and most famous footballer in the world in 1998 and when he was listed as a substitute for the World Cup final against France, it caused consternation and mayhem.
Edmundo was up front instead, but a second team sheet later arrived with Ronaldo now included in the XI. Confusion reigned.
It later transpired that Ronaldo had experienced convulsions in his hotel room and was clearly not fit to play. He resembled a zombie as he shuffled around the field in a 3-0 defeat, but enjoyed a wonderful redemption arc four years later, lifting the trophy and winning the Golden Boot.
9) Rijkaard spits at Voller
When Netherlands star Frank Rijkaard lobbed a gob of phlegm at the back of West Germany striker Rudi Voller’s curly mullet during a tempestuous last-16 match in 1990, Voller was absolutely incensed.
The players briefly continued a running battle before both being sent off and a clearly overhydrated Rijkaard then did it again as they left the field. Absolutely rank.
Six years later, the pair cuddled up in dressing gowns for a butter commercial so, no, the animosity did not last.
8) Rivaldo’s dive
Rivaldo’s antics angered Turkey (Neal Simpson/Empics via Getty Images)
With Rivaldo winding down the clock in the 94th minute of Brazil’s group-stage match against Turkey in 2002, Hakan Unsal sent the ball towards the corner taker with a bit of welly. It struck Rivaldo on the leg and he dropped to the ground holding his face, screaming, writhing around and acting like a nest of wasps had just been dropped on his head.
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The referee bought it and Unsal was sent off for a second booking. Rivaldo, who was named man of the match, was later fined £4,500 ($6,000), plus £680 costs, by FIFA for playacting.
“I was glad to see the red card,” Rivaldo said. “Creative players must be able to express themselves if football is to stay a beautiful game.”
Creative’s one word for it, pal. Five more words are ‘spoiled brat theatre kid energy’.
7) Two yellows = carry on playing
In one of the strangest refereeing incidents in football history, Croatia defender Josip Simunic was shown two yellow cards during their 2006 group-stage match against Australia… but wasn’t sent off.
English referee Graham Poll mistakenly failed to jot down that Simunic had received a booking in the 61st minute, so when the second came in the 90th minute, he thought it was his first. Immediately after the final whistle was blown, the yellow-card-loving Simunic began arguing with Poll again and was shown a third yellow, followed by a belated red.
“What you have to do in life is just deal with the cards you’ve been dealt,” a philosophical Poll later said, in a sentence drowning in irony.
6) Keane walks out on the World Cup
Roy Keane walks his dog after returning from Saipan (PA Images via Getty Images)
A face-off between Roy Keane and the Republic of Ireland manager Mick McCarthy was probably never going to end with both men admitting they were in the wrong and then making up with a little cuddle.
Keane, upset with what he thought were amateur conditions in Ireland’s pre-tournament training camp in Saipan in 2002, was tipped over the edge by McCarthy allegedly claiming Keane had exaggerated an injury to miss a qualifying match.
The captain flew home, where pictures of him walking his dog became front-page news, while McCarthy led Ireland to the last 16. The incident was such a global story that it was recently made into a film.
Think it can’t get any madder on our list? It can.
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5) Suarez bites Chiellini
Google ‘Suarez bites…’ and the fact numerous predictive options/incidents come up (including the magnificently-named Suarez’s Tasty Bites burger restaurant in Blackburn) tells you a lot about Luis Suarez’s appetite.
Giorgio Chiellini, during Italy’s group-stage match against Uruguay in 2014, was not the first opponent to have Suarez’s over-eager gnashers sunk into him (specifically on the shoulder) and this one earned Suarez a four-month ban from the sport. Someone give that guy a muzzle.
4) Schumacher puts Battiston in a coma
Hmmm, yeah, nothing much funny about this one. A contender for one of the greatest World Cup matches of all time (West Germany beat France on penalties to reach the 1982 final after a 3-3 classic) is mostly remembered for German goalkeeper Toni Schumacher’s 60th-minute challenge on French defender Patrick Battiston.
Battiston was through on goal and Schumacher jumped into his body with such force that the Frenchman was knocked unconscious, had teeth knocked out, damaged his vertebrae and later slipped into a coma.
Schumacher didn’t exactly show much remorse at the time, although he later apologised for not having checked on Battiston on the field. And for not going to the hospital afterwards. Oh, and the referee didn’t even give a foul.
3) Brazil lose their home World Cup semi-final 7-1
David Luiz, right, and Luiz Gustavo react to Brazil’s shocking loss to Germany (Pedro Ugarte/AFP via Getty Images)
No game in history has epitomised the Simpsons ‘Stop! He’s already dead’ gif more than this.
Were Brazil’s players too emotional to cope with the magnitude of the occasion? Or did they always cry during the national anthems?
Either way, unless you were German or a sadist (or both), this was pure watch-through-your-fingers stuff as Brazil conceded four goals in just six first-half minutes to capitulate in the most humiliating manner imaginable. It was an absolutely stunning event to witness in real time.
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Still, it’s not like many people were watching (estimated global audience of around one billion). At least Oscar pulled a goal back.
2) Maradona’s Hand of God
Madness that he even attempted it? Madness that the goal was given? Or madness that 6ft England goalkeeper Peter Shilton didn’t beat 5ft 5in Maradona to the ball?
This wasn’t just a World Cup quarter-final but payback for England’s win at that stage of the tournament in 1966 and revenge, as Maradona later wrote in his autobiography, for the Falklands War of four years earlier.
The fine line between madness and genius was perfectly encapsulated when Maradona scored an otherworldly solo goal just four minutes later.
“He didn’t out-jump me, he cheated,” Shilton later said. Well, he did both, Peter.
1) Zidane’s headbutt
Zinedine Zidane floors Marco Materazzi in the 2006 final (John MacDougall/AFP via Getty Images)
The epitome of a moment of madness. It ticks all the boxes for the No 1 spot; shock value, unforeseen violence, one of the greatest footballers of all time, playing in the final match of his career and it’s a World Cup final.
The first time replays showed why Zidane had been sent off, jaws hit the floor the world over. He did what? But why?
Rapscallion defender Marco Materazzi basically said he’d rather have Zidane’s sister than his shirt and, with Zidane’s sister looking after his unwell mother at the time, the Frenchman saw red and unleashed the most famous headbutt of all time in any sport, perhaps even in life.
“It was only a second, then it was over,” Zidane later said. And what a second.